HOW TO ZING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NEW BODYGUARD

Calling up your ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night is essential, especially since you know that she still wants you bad.

"But how many times should I call in one night?" you ask. 

(This is how you should look when you make each call.  Not surprisingly, girls can hear if you're not making a frowny face over the phone so don't be a poser.)

Most studies agree that four or five calls per night is the bare minimum if you expect to win back your girl.  How is she going to know you love her unless you tell her constantly?  Sending upwards of 400 texts per hour can't hurt.  You have to utilize everything technology has to offer: email, friendster, bird calls, smoke signals, and morse code.

"What if someone else answers the phone and sounds a lot like Harry?"
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  When confronted with someone who wants to appear macho, make sure to out-macho him.  Immediately jump to the "good guy/hero" role.  This will force him into the "bad guy/villain" role and soon enough God will be on your side.  

Scenario #1:

Harry: Hey, it’s Harry.

Me: What the freak?  Did you steal Sheila’s cell phone? 

H: What?

M: I’ll kick your butt if you did.

H: No, Sheila’s in the other room-

M: You freaking kidnapped her, you piece of crud?

H: No, listen to me. 

M: I don’t listen to guys like you.  I crap guys that are bigger than you that listen to me.
H: What?

Pretty cool, right?  I just thought of that on the spot.  When a bad guy yells at you, turn it around on them. This will leave them shocked and confused.  Then you can swoop in and save your ex-girlfriend.

"But what if the bodyguard tries to play nice?"

This is bound to happen as most super villains operate the same way.  Don't fall for their tactics.  Do what I do.

Scenario #2
H: Ok, I understand you’re mad-

M: I’m not the one who’s mad, friendo (“friend” in Mexican), you’re the one who’s mad.

H: Did you just call me, friendo? 

M: Go freak yourself, friendo.

H: Listen, Sheila wants you to stop calling her.     

M: Like heck I’ll stop calling her.

H: Seriously, you’re making her upset. 

M: Upset?  But I’m the one who’s in love with her.

H: Just…please, for her sake, stop calling.

M: Fine, I’ll stop calling, but you better watch the watchtower, said the joker to the thief.

H: That’s not how the song goes.

M: You’re not how the song goes.

H: Alright, I’m going to go.  Please stop calling.

M: Forget you melon farmer.  You’re not going anywhere...Harry?  Sheila?  You there?  Guys?  Come on, this isn’t funny…Guys?  Did you just hang up on me?

Once they've hung up you know you've won the phone-off competition.  Give yourself 200 points.  When you reach 1,000 points you'll be eligible for a tootsie roll or lollipop at Chucky Cheese.  Or you can hold onto your points and once you reach 10 million you can buy back your ex-girlfriend.