SOME MYTH-BUSTING ABOUT THERAPY

Johann called to see how I was enjoying my vacation.  I told him it was depressing, which seemed to give him the wrong idea.  He suggested Micah and I try therapy.  As we all know this is crazy talk?

FALSE: Therapy rules!

MYTH BUSTER: Therapy is a dirty word if your goal is self-deprovement.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than by realizing you have to pay someone to listen to you. 

SIDE EFFECTS OF THERAPY: WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU

After two weeks, $250, and a letter from your health insurance company telling you they don’t cover psychiatric, your self-esteem will be walking on the moon.  

You’ll be so productive you’ll never see your bed again and your face will hurt from all the smiling you’ll be doing.  

Your shoulders and back won’t be so jacked from carrying around the weight of the world 

Your soul won’t have its cool, sleek, blackness you’ve come to enjoy.  

If you want to go outside and see the beauty in things then by all means, ruin a good thing and go to therapy. Why not do yoga and take anti-depressants you fool. 

When you find a healthy soul means you have to get up before 6pm on Sunday for brunch with what are known as "friends" you’ll be kicking yourself until you have to go to an asylum where they give you more therapy.  

WANT TO STAY DEPRESSED? HERE'S HOW!

I never realized how difficult it is to stay depressed until now.  You really have to put forth some effort.  But believe me, it’s worth it. 

Here’s something you can do to keep your head on the pillow and your eyes far from any prize.

Find triggers guaranteed to leave you depressed

Reaching a level-headed emotional state?  Want to be depressed again so you can eat whatever you want and sleep whenever and wherever you want?  Find an emotional trigger that’ll set you off? 

A emotional trigger could be as simple as someone leaving their alarm clock on in the apartment next to yours.  The trick is to not put anything in perspective.  Rather than say “oh, they must be waking up” tell yourself that your walls are thin because you can’t afford anything better since you haven’t had a job in a year and a half and are a complete failure in life.  You’ll be back to the bed in no time.  If you’re a real pro you’ll continue to search out triggers while in bed.

FUN TIME ACTIVITY: Now it’s your turn.  

1) Pick a word or thing to have a mental breakdown about.  It could be anything from your faulty lamp to your uncle. 

2) Jump to conclusions without thinking about what you’re saying and let your world turn upside down.  

3) Try this with several things until there is no way you can have a positive perspective on life.  The trick is to see open your eyes and immediately think, “I’m a failure!”  It’s like an every day inkblot test except you’re not in therapy, because as Jamie explains, "that therapy shit's for fags." 

 

AWESOME WARNING: Some have used gun triggers, but gun triggers don’t give you the opportunity to enjoy more dominos pizza or youporn.  Before finding a gun trigger you need to make sure you’re the lead singer of a successful Seattle grunge band or the author of The Old Man and the Sea (this does not mean writing two pages in your journal and calling it Old Man and the Sea).  

Before then just concentrate on honing your depression.  Don’t end a good thing.  You have a talent my friend.  No need to waste it.  

Good Times

Micah’s been really depressed lately which has been great.  It’s given us both a chance to sleep more, eat a bunch of donuts, watch porn all day, and never clean up.  If you haven’t been depressed before you should really try it. 

Johann said I could call in sick all next week because that’s what he’s planning on doing.  I’m really looking forward to getting nothing accomplished. 


How are you planning to spend the next week?  Are you going to try to get things accomplished or are you going to do things the way God intended?

Hanging With Mr. Jamie

I walked around with Jamie yesterday and let him show me how he “gets shit done.”  He’s right about being “mad insightful.”  In just one hour I realized the life I’ve been missing out on. 

First we smoked up in the back parking lot.  At first I was a little paranoid, but then Johann joined us and gave us some really good mushrooms.  Then he bought us lobsters at the bistro.  It was weird at first because my lobster, Freddy, had a lot of interesting things to say about life, but then I ate Freddy so I could gain all his powers. 

 

(Above: photo of what happened.)

I’m still a little high. 

Jamie said Johann and I could be his “protégés and shit” so there’s a lot to look forward to.  

Taking It All In

I spent some quality time gurgling Jamie’s philosophies around my brain and I reached some epiphanies:

Women love it whenever a guy takes the time to treat them like shit.   In fact, they prefer that you refer to them as hoes, bitches, sluts, or slutty bitchoes.  If you treat a slutty bitcho like a princess she’ll start acting like a princess.  Instead, grab her by the balls and say, “why do you have balls?  Gross.” 

I bet if I’d been this smart when I was with Sheila she’d be all over me right now. 

Man Of The Day In The Office: Jamie

Meet Jamie.  

Jamie’s the mail guy who comes around twice a day to bring Johann his bills and bad news. 

Jamie added me on FaceSpace. Here’s a bit of his profile:

Nickname: Mr. Awesome

Catchphrase: Take It Bitch!

Activities: Banging Hoes, Ridin’ Dirty, Rocking out with my dick out of my pants

I used to think Jamie was a moron until I started listening to his idiotic comments.  Then I realized we’re all morons so why not embrace it. 

Jamie has some deep philosophies on various aspects of life.  Want to transform into that superhero you’ve always wanted to be?  Here’s how:

On Women:

"You gotta hollar at them bitches.  You can’t be pussyfootin’ and shit.  Bitches like a dick with balls."  

On Work:

"Yo, fuck this fruity shit.  I’ll smoke crack up in this bitch if I want to."

On Exercise:

"Man, I ain’t wasting time with that Nordic Track bullshit.  My dick’s too tired from all the fucking I’m doing.  If I want a stair master I’ll just climb up some big titties."

On Academics

"Aca demiz nuts!"  

On Death and Dying

"Fuck it."    

On Life and Living

"Fuck it."

Jamie has a lot to say whenever he comes by so I’m sure I’ll have more knowledge to drop in the future.  Until then, “suck on diz nuts.” 

NETWORK WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

I’ve met a bunch of people around the office lately which is weird because I haven’t tried to network or get ahead in the business. 

My boss, Johann, has invited me to lunch every day this week even after he caught me sleeping at my desk for three hours on Monday.  He thought I wasn’t getting the proper nutrition my body needed so he treated me to a great steak at the bistro and bought me a bunch of power bars to snack on during the day.  This is probably good news for my body since Micah and I have made it a point to only eat pizza and donuts. 

TOTALLY AWESOME TIP: When someone opens up to you, don’t try and help them.  Just zone out and stare at them like their face is a Where’s Waldo novel. 

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: Practice zoning out on this face.  

Here are some great things to look for:

Blemishes in the skin (1 point)

Underlying depression (2 points)

Gray hairs (1 point)

Overt Self-hatred (4 points)

Loss of hope in the eyes (5 points)

Trauma (10 points)

As you zone out and ignore what the person is saying you’ll find that people are drawn to you.  They don't want you to relate to them.  They want to be able to hear themselves and the less you talk the more that's possible for them.  

EXCELLENT EXAMPLE: Johann told me all this crap about how his life is falling apart and even though I made it clear I didn’t care, he kept talking.  He told me about how his parents’ divorced when he was 35, how he had cancer last week, and is still fighting his alcoholism.  It felt great to hear.  I never realized how fantastic my own life was until I listened to his.  Now he loves me and I love myself.  Win Win!

2 GREAT WAYS TO GET PROMOTED!

Here are some great ways to get promoted at work. 

1)    Stand over your boss desk for long periods of time and babble about how there’s never enough time to get your work done.  He’ll find you endearing and will promote you within days.

2)    If it’s a guy, walk by his office every now and again muttering “women” while shaking your head.  When he calls you into his office and asks you what’s wrong, tell him your girl’s giving you a hard time.  Once he says “I know what you mean” start putting a down payment on a new house because you’re about to get another promotion.  (If your boss is a woman, do the same exact thing.  Women know they’re crazy and like a guy who’s honest.)