WANT TO STAY DEPRESSED? HERE'S HOW!

I never realized how difficult it is to stay depressed until now.  You really have to put forth some effort.  But believe me, it’s worth it. 

Here’s something you can do to keep your head on the pillow and your eyes far from any prize.

Find triggers guaranteed to leave you depressed

Reaching a level-headed emotional state?  Want to be depressed again so you can eat whatever you want and sleep whenever and wherever you want?  Find an emotional trigger that’ll set you off? 

A emotional trigger could be as simple as someone leaving their alarm clock on in the apartment next to yours.  The trick is to not put anything in perspective.  Rather than say “oh, they must be waking up” tell yourself that your walls are thin because you can’t afford anything better since you haven’t had a job in a year and a half and are a complete failure in life.  You’ll be back to the bed in no time.  If you’re a real pro you’ll continue to search out triggers while in bed.

FUN TIME ACTIVITY: Now it’s your turn.  

1) Pick a word or thing to have a mental breakdown about.  It could be anything from your faulty lamp to your uncle. 

2) Jump to conclusions without thinking about what you’re saying and let your world turn upside down.  

3) Try this with several things until there is no way you can have a positive perspective on life.  The trick is to see open your eyes and immediately think, “I’m a failure!”  It’s like an every day inkblot test except you’re not in therapy, because as Jamie explains, "that therapy shit's for fags." 

 

AWESOME WARNING: Some have used gun triggers, but gun triggers don’t give you the opportunity to enjoy more dominos pizza or youporn.  Before finding a gun trigger you need to make sure you’re the lead singer of a successful Seattle grunge band or the author of The Old Man and the Sea (this does not mean writing two pages in your journal and calling it Old Man and the Sea).  

Before then just concentrate on honing your depression.  Don’t end a good thing.  You have a talent my friend.  No need to waste it.