LOOKING TO LOSE SLEEP? HERE'S HOW!

Depression is all about sleeping, but if you want to sleep all day you have to spend a couple days making yourself insane.  Here’s how:  

Fall asleep with something buried in your conscience.  Make sure it’s driving you crazy before you close your eyes.  This will ensure you wake up in less than an hour panting from a nightmare about a little killer dog (which dances due to 80's animation) who needed a jumpstart for his car battery but because you were only interested in sleeping with Anne Hathaway you ignored the murderous terrier and now it wants you dead.  

Have lights flashing.  Turn on your computer, your phone, your Ipod, any external harddrives you might have.  Set up a disco ball and a strobe light.  Even if you do get sleep you’ll wake up with epilepsy and series of seizures that make it impossible to sleep without shaking mercilessly.  This is also good for those hoping to shave 5 or 10 pounds every night.

Make sure to watch half an episode of your favorite TV drama just before you hit the sack.  It’ll be next to impossible to get a good night’s rest without wondering what’s going to happen to Tony Soprano.  Does he get shot or not?  Force yourself through about three nights before you treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.  This teaches you discipline and also extreme frustration.  

Buy the album, World Painted Blood.  Every time you lie down for a nap, play it loud enough so  each song wakes you up.  This works even better with Lest We Forget: The Best Of, and Hellbilly Deluxe 2.

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR BLACK OUT!

So apparently I said a lot after I blacked out.  Luckily it was to Jamie.  I assume it was something along the lines of "I love you man" because he said "we cool, but I ain't into that fruit loops taste the rainbow shit."

Looking to black out and make your friends feel weird?  Here are some great phrases to throw out there while drunk:

"Hey sweet cheeks, give me some sugar."  Girls and guys alike often find this phrase funny so make sure to keep a straight poker-face so they know you mean business.

"Damn girl, why don't you back that thang up." Girls might be offended by this, but guys will definitely be offended.  Women will appreciate that you're referring to them as girls because it makes them feel younger.

"I love you."  It's never a moment too soon to tell a complete stranger that you love them.  It might catch people off guard but that's the point of love: to lift you off your feet and make you feel weird.

HELPFUL HINT: Make sure to lift people off their feet when you say "I love you." That way they can feel like you swept them off their feet and it'll make for a better love story later when you're talking to your kids.

Remembering 4/20

4/20, a holiday for people who otherwise would never be organized or motivated enough to set up their own holiday.

Below is a an accurate historical timeline for the creation of 4/20

March 1, 3000 BC - The earth and pot are invented by Zeus

June 2, 2905 BC - that fat God who likes drinking also gets the greeks to smoke them if they have possession of them.

April 20, 2846 BC - All the Gods get really high together, but fail to have the initiative to create a holiday.

April 20, 1946 AD - 4/20 is created as a holiday so potsmokers can keep their buzz going even though it's Hitler's birthday.

That's what Jamie at work told me at least.  Then he insisted we leave work early so we could smoke, but instead of leaving at 4:20 like I thought we would, we just left at 11:20 because he wanted to have a dry mouth lunch in addition to the wet lunch he usually takes.

Johann didn't mind since he was still hung over from the 4/19 party that Jamie threw last night.  4/19 according to Jamie is an even more important holiday than 4/20.  "It's like Kol Nidre is to Yom Kippur and shit or Christmas Eve is to Christmas, bitch!"  I wasn't about to argue even though it sounded wrong on several levels.

After the second mind eraser I was agreeing with most of what Jamie had to say anyway.  Plus, that girl Nicole was there too so it was a good holiday had by all.  I blacked out before I got to talk to her and after that the night was pretty uneventful.