HOW TO HANDLE YOUR BOSS!

Came into work at noon today.  If you haven’t done that yet you should.  It’s great because:

    A) You don’t have to wake up early.

    B) Your boss thinks you’re more important than you really are.

Does this not sound like how your boss thinks?  Here are some tips just in case your boss tries to give you lip:

1) The Angry Boss:  

Problem: Your boss has his panties all in a bunch because you showed up four hours late and didn’t call ahead.  He says, “we lost thousands because you weren’t there to process this regulation blah blah.”  

Problem Solver: Smile.  Don’t even bother with a genuine smile.  Most angry bosses are so angry they can't tell the difference.  Just say, “I understand.  I’ll get right on that.”  Then add, “I like your tie.” Then watch as your boss treats you to a free lunch at the open air bistro down the street. 

2) The Passive Aggressive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss walks by your desk and sees you’re watching Wild Hogs on the Netflix.  “Working hard?” he asks as he raises his right eyebrow in an attempt to get his point across without speaking too much.  

Problem Solver: Just be honest with him.  “This movie blows.  Please, whatever you do, do not waste your time watching this?”  He'll be honored you're looking out for him.  Ready for another free lunch?

3) The Passive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss is too scared to tell you to get back to work.  Some crumble under this kind of pressure.  They feel so bad for their bosses they start working again.  

Problem Solver: Don’t fall for this pressure.  If your boss says, “So I was looking over the reports for last month and I really hate to come off like this...this is really my least favorite part of my job...but do you think…” cut him off and say “Are you kidding me, I’d love to go to lunch with you.”  Then stand him up at lunch.  He’ll realize you're super busy he’ll never approach you about anything again.  

HOW TO STOP CARING AND START NOT CARING!

No one at work gets much done.  Some try hard, but because they’re so passionate they waste time talking about their passion or hyperventilating if something goes wrong.  Consequently they finish as slow as others who don't care. 

If you find you’re working hard in the office with no benefit, try not caring.  Here are some great ways to do that:

1) Undo your beehive haircut.  There won't be so much weight on your head so you can think clearly.  You’ll also be able to wear a hat, which can hide your eyes when you’re sleeping on the job.

  

2) Stop arguing with guys like this.  Not only does he smell (after waving that sign for an hour his pits reeked), but the more you argue the more it validates his existence.  The next time someone tells you gay marriage "just ain't right," smile and return to reading.  You'll lose them in no time.  

3) Stop spending your money on QVC.  The infomercials say it’s a good idea to combine scissors with a coffee machine and lawnmower, but you’d be surprised how unhelpful the Swiss Army Espresso Tractor can be.  You’ll be much happier if you don’t waste your time spending money.  As soon as you stop caring people will want to spend money on you.  The less you give the more they’ll want to buy you.  

     Scenario A) You show up at the bar in sweatpants and a Def Leopard t-shirt.  Someone thinks you’re sexy and buys you drinks.

  

     Scenario B) You show up at the office half naked (lower half) with a copy of Hustler to read.  Your boss thinks it’s his fault and gives you a raise, hoping you'll work harder.  Or he feels bad for you so he gives you a raise to make you less depressed.  Either way it’s win win. 

4) Don’t discuss American Idol.  Keep that information to yourself.  The less you talk about American Idol the more people will think you’re an intellectual and will shower you with praise.  For instance: “Did you see Joan?  She didn’t talk about American Idol today.  Wow, she must’ve started reading.” 

5) Or discuss American Idol.  People will think you’re tapped into the culture of our day and will consider you the main guru.  Get ready to have a lot of friends because that’s what happens when you’re a pop culture guru.   

POP CULTURE FUN FACT: Even famous people aren’t happy.  If famous people aren’t happy, why struggle to be famous?  If Brangelina can’t make a relationship work how could you?  This is as good as it gets. 

UPDATE UPDATE!

Here’s some great stuff you can do to pass the time at work.

The Internet: have you heard of this worldly web?  It’s got everything a bored office worker could ever want.  Here’s a fun game: pretend you’re a spy.  See how many seconds it takes to find blueprints to the U.S. military’s future plans online.  When the marines break down the door and arrest you at work everyone will think you’re really cool. 

Go on tour: If you’re in an office like mine, tour from cubicle to cubicle and see how they pass their time.  This should give you a wealth of ideas for better stuff you could be doing.  For instance, when she gets bored, which is always, Joan, the crazy lady with a beehive haircut who sits next me goes online and downloads pictures of cats.  Then she makes a collage for her screen saver so people can see just how crazy she is every time her computer is inactive for over a minute.  This gives her an incentive to look busy, otherwise people will see the crazy cat collage on her screen and consider sending her to an asylum. 

Pop Culture: This is another activity that Joan excels at.  If you thought knowledge about the Twilight love triangle or Brangelina breakup was boring then you thought wrong.  Researching these people will bring joy to anyone’s heart.  Everyone considers these celebrities super successful and yet they also can’t get their shit together.  Brad has girl problems just like the rest of us.  I remember when Sheila wanted to adopt 65 children from different countries around the world.  Now you can live your life vicariously through these people and when you hear any negative news about them you can feel better about yourself. 

Here are some things to say when you read bad news about a celebrity.

“Well at least I wasn’t caught in the backseat with an underage, illegal immigrant hooker.”

“My dad is bad, but at least I didn’t kill my wife…yet.”

 

“I thought my job sucked, but least I don’t have to star in Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.”

You will never be happier with yourself.  And the best part is it’ll motivate you to never put yourself out there or try because once you see the type of shit all these celebrities get for trying, you’ll never want to be in their shoes. 

“Why become a good singer if Simon’s just going to tell me that I’m horrible on national television?”

Here are some great publications you can pick up to raise your spirits:

People, Us Weekly, The New York Post…

Micah

Micah’s moving in with me in February.  He’s just gonna crash on the couch for a few a while until he can find a new job.  I keep telling him jobs are overrated, but he doesn’t seem to get that.  It doesn’t really help that I still have a job. 

Great reasons for moving in with your best friend:

1) You can throw parties more easily.  

2) You don’t have to take the subway to meet each other.  

3) You can divide jobs.  For instance, I won’t get groceries as long as he doesn’t wash the dishes.  

4) You’ll get more sleep because you’ll be able to motivate each other to nap more often.  

So for my faithful reader in Idaho, you’re going to be hearing a lot more about that guy.  

LATE BREAKING UPDATE!

There's absolutely nothing for me to do at work.  It’s like the day before a holiday in elementary school when the teacher just lets you eat glue and throw blocks at each other. 

If you find yourself at work with nothing to do, beware.  Many in this situation might visit their boss and ask if there’s anything else that needs to be done.  Just know that when you do this, here is what’s going through your boss’s head.

1)    What the fuck? 

2)    Are you saying I don’t assign enough work? 

3)    You saying I’m not a good work assigner? 

4)    Fuck your mother. 

5)    I could kick your ass if we were in a UFC cage match. 

6)    How bout you suck my dick, how bout that for more work?

7)    Great, now I have to come up with some bullshit activity for this freak, brown noser to suck on because they get off on busy work.

8)    Maybe I’ll hire a hit man to kill them in the parking lot. 

9)    Is there anything else that needs to be done?  Yea, leave me alone.  I’m trying to play halo on my computer while simultaneously pretending I’m processing annuity transfers.  Also, at some point I’d like to masturbate behind my desk so unless you want to take a money shot for me, get the hell out.  That’s what else needs to be done.  

Point being, your boss hates having to assign work just as much as you hate to do it so unless he or she brings it up first, keep your mouth shut.  

Poor Dan's Almanac

Instead of using this blog to get famous or get Sheila back, I’m just going to use it to help people all over the world who are down on their luck and looking to lose all remaining ambition.

Think of this as an updated Poor Richard’s Almanac.

Cliché of the day: Less is more.  

50 or maybe 9 (Forgot to Count) Reasons Getting Dumped is Awesome

In addition to now having the opportunity to meet a TGI Chilibee’s waitress, getting dumped is awesome.  Here’s a list of perks to getting dumped:

  You have way more free time to sit around and stare into space. 

  You can see what all the hype is behind prostitutes.

  You don’t have to worry about if she’s fucking other guys because now you know she is.

  You no longer have to lose sleep choosing the perfect metaphor to describe your undying love for her.

  You don’t need to keep a laminated cheat sheet reminding yourself of all the things you should do to   avoid pissing her off.

  You no longer have to watch the Notebook, Love Actually, or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants every weekend while listening to the question, “why can’t you be more like those guys?”  Now you can watch those movies in peace.

  You don’t have to pretend everything her best friend, Susan, says is a laugh riot.
 
  Whenever you hear “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed you can change the station.

  You can return that ring and tell the Westchester High marching band they don’t have to show up in front of the Statue of Liberty under the full moon next Saturday.

  Masturbation takes way less time than begging for sex or getting your hopes up only to have them crushed by a mood swing.

  When you’re in the bathroom you have other reading options besides “How to Please A Man” in Cosmo. 
  
  You can finally go back to wearing those oversized sweat pants with the hole over the crotch. 
  
  Your posture will improve as you won’t have to struggle to impress her so much.

  You don’t have to keep re-watching Mallrats trying to figure out a way to win her back.

  You can stop pretending you find yoga enlightening and enjoyable and just go back to your spin and pilates classes.

  You can stop eating all those vegetables and get back to your hobby of growing chins.
 
  You no longer have to spend hours choosing clever responses her to text messages or finding ways to incorporate a new smiley face into your g-chat conversations. 

Great times!

Stayed up until 2 am watching Office Space with Micah last night.  

That movie put everything in perspective, although maybe not the best one to watch with Micah at a time like this (he cried through most of it and asked me what the hell he's going to do now that he has no income and the economy's dead.  I told him to try my fun filled magic trick.  That didn’t seem to make him happier, but at least he wasn’t sad about Office Space anymore).

SPOILER ALERT: In Office Space, Ron Livingston is in a relationship with this bitch but then he meets Jennifer Anniston and falls in love.

FUN FACT: Maybe Sheila's the bitchy girlfriend I had in the beginning of the movie that is my life and now I just have to meet a waitress at TGI Chilibee's or some other restaurant where they have yard sale crap all over the walls. 

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: Watch more movies.  That way you too can live in a fantasy world and forget your problems.  Here are some other great movies to check out and see a guy dating a shitty girl at first, only to meet a much hotter one later:

Old School, Big Daddy, The Wedding Singer, Taledega Nights… I’ll let you know when I get the extensive list of titles.

Scoreboard!

If you’re keeping score in Idaho:

ME: Called in sick one day.  Didn’t bother to show up a total of five days.  Showed up still drunk on Monday.  Still working. 

MICAH: Worked diligently every day of his life at AmerInsured.  Acted courteous to those around him.  Proposed ideas at weekly meetings and genuinely cared about his job.  Fired. 

WANT TO STAY DEPRESSED? DON'T MISS THIS!

I taught myself how to do this.  You'll be surprised how often it works.

FUN FILLED MAGIC TRICK:   

1) Take an event, any event in your life.

2) Now think of a reason to be upset about it.    

HELPFUL HINT: Nitpick.  Really dig into your psyche and find things that make you completely upset.

Need some FUN FILLED EXAMPLES?  Try these on for size:

  A) Say you went to a wedding last year on August 15th in Easton, PA.  Maybe all you remember is meeting some great people.  But if you look deep, you'll realize that locked in your subconscious is a time when you regretfully tried to talk politics with a member of the bride’s family and really pissed him off.  Remember?  Now, with all your power, obsess about it.  Get really upset even though the whole thing took place at least seven months ago and everyone else has moved on. 

  B) Remember in fifth grade when you were starting to feel happy again because you were meeting people even though your family kept moving around the country and it was hard to make new friends?  You probably also remember the time you came in from recess, tripped on your own shoelaces, and sat in the middle of the hallway and cried because you were so embarrassed. Let that sink in until you feel worse about yourself almost twenty years later. 

3) Once you find events to obsess about, make generalizations. 

Example: “Because I tripped in fifth grade, that must mean I always trip and will never graduate fifth grade.”

4) Don’t stop there.  Label yourself and find blame for everything.  

Example: “I’m a klutz.  That’s why Sheila left me.  Why do I bother dating anyone?  I'm just going to keep tripping on my shoelaces after recess and have Ben Trackman call me pubic head.” 

HELPFUL HINT: Do this with as many events as possible.  Don’t stop until you’re in a bathrobe covered in stale Cheetos and new tears.    

Reunion At Lilly Coogan's

I thought I was strong enough to go back to Lilly Coogan’s.  I figured they’d miss me and it’d be like when the Rolling Stones got back together.  We'd hug and then play a bunch of sold out stadiums.  Instead I just got drunk and watched Sheila and Harry make out.

(Above: Here's a shot of Sheila and Harry making out while Mick Jagger and Keith Richards smile for a photo in front of them.)

I just keep replaying the bad memories in my head like it’s a movie. 

I yell at Sheila and Harry. 

ME

Get a room.

A patron shushes me. 

ME (CONT’D)

How bout you shut the freak up.  Did 

you have a girl break your heart 

and make out with another guy 

in public right in front of you?

PATRON

Yea.

Patron points to a different corner where another couple is making out. 

PATRON (CONT’D)

That used to be my wife.

I fall off my bar stool.  Harry stops sucking Sheila's tongue and helps me off the floor.

ME (CONT’D)

Forget you.

HARRY

You should go home.  

You’re making an ass 

out of yourself.

ME

I’ll show you ass.

I stumble onstage and bump into TJ, who's singing about how close he is to God.  I drop my pants. 

FADE OUT

FADE IN

I wake up on street with my pants around my ankles.  I must’ve blacked out.  I look inside.  TJ's still onstage.  I try to stand but trip over my underwear.  I fall on my face and sleep until some businessman wakes me up.   

HOW TO HAVE A BLAST WHEN YOU CAN'T SLEEP!

Finding that your sheets are covered in sweat every morning and you can't breathe because you keep having dreams about the wild sex that Sheila and Harry are having?  Don't worry, you're just having a panic attack.  Here are some things you can do to enjoy your panic attack:

1) Pretend you’re a rock star on a bad acid trip and just stare at wall for three hours while occasionally yelling incoherent noises.  

When your neighbors complain and bang on your door, collapse on the floor and shout through the walls that Hades is dragging you to the underworld.  They’ll be able to empathize and let you get back to your pretend acid trip. 

(Above: This should help you with your acid trip.)

2) Imagine you’re in an office.  You should be asleep in no time. 

3) If it’s still dark outside head over to the bar and tell everyone the next round’s on you.  You’ll look like a pimp when you throw your cash down and slide Yaegar bombs to everyone.  The best part is if it's late enough the bar will probably be closed so you don’t have to spend any money or even leave the house.  Just imagine this taking place in your head.  If you want to imagine going home with a girl that’s fine too. 

4) Read up on the latest drama behind American Idol.  You'll forget your own problems and think about people who don't matter.  After a couple years you'll start living vicariously through them until you forget that you ever had a life of your own.  Failure is much easier to experience when it's not your own. 

6) Pleasure yourself.  What else did you have to do today?  If you want, pleasure yourself while on your acid trip.  Then have birds fly through your window so you can kill two of them with one masturbatory stone. 

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Another Early Morning

Woke at 5 am again.  I can’t stop thinking about Sheila.  We would’ve done so many things together by now:

1) See Avatar in 3D. 

2) Get in a fight because I thought Avatar was entertaining but she thought it wasn't fun like Leap Year.  

3) Go out for Ben & Jerry's so I could make her not hate me.

4) Watch her stalk home before slamming the door in my face because she thought I was a dumb idiot for liking Avatar.  

I guess I don’t miss Sheila as much as I thought I did.  It is going to stink being alone for the rest of my life though.

Good times.

Reasons Life Doesn't Make Sense Anymore

1) I write my girlfriend awesome songs like "Wistful Dream Hair and Jade Dragon Eyes" and she dumps me for some poindexter who doesn’t even write his own music.

2) Micah actually tries at work and they fire him.

3) Jersey Shore.

Why try?

Micah?: UPDATE!

Forgot my phone died two days ago because I was too sad to recharge it.  Micah left a message.  He got fired.

His boss, Stuart Steinsteen, said he fired Micah because Micah didn’t fill out some claims form correctly. But Micah knows that other crud went down.    

In honor of the man always keeping you down I listened to the Public Enemy channel on Pandora for the rest of the day.  Forget you system.  Forget the po-lice.  Maybe tomorrow when I crank up the volume I won't even plug in my headphones.

Micah?

Just got back from lunch.  No Micah.  I went by his desk but he wasn’t there either.  Wonder if his girlfriend dumped him too.

THREE KILLER REASONS TO TWIDDLE YOUR THUMBS AT WORK!

Mondays and Tuesdays should always be spent twiddling your thumbs.  Besides the great workout, here are a few other killer reasons why:

1) You get to have your own personal thumb war.

2) Unlike thumb battles you don’t have to say a stupid poem or get touchy feeling with your lonely friend who has bulbous eyes and clammy hands.  

3) You look occupied with thought so your boss never bothers you.  (Below: This guy forgot to twiddle his thumbs and now look at the mess he's in.)

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: While twiddling, hum to yourself and close your eyes.  You can sleep up to 10 minutes and your boss will think you're taking a meditative approach to work.  

DEEP INSIGHTS!

Deep Insight 1) Not working is the bees knees.

Here's some other stuff I learned over the weekend:

Insight 2) Half and Half can really amp up a bowl of Lucky Charms.  PART 2: Contrary to my previous belief, Half and Half doesn’t mean it only has half the amount of fat whole milk has. 

Insight 3) Watching four movies in a row makes you feel accomplished, especially when you go on the journey I did: Lord of the Rings Trilogy followed by the cartoon version of The Hobbit, followed by an adventure through Nap Town. 

Insight 4) Roaches: Not a big deal.  Saw one sprint across the counter and it didn’t bother me.  If this happens to you, just live in harmony with them.  It's so much easier.  You don’t have to carry your shoe everywhere or flush so much down the toilet, which saves water.  "My girlfriend might have left me, but at least I’m an environmentalist now," you'll be saying to yourself.  

Taking Back Monday

Yesterday was the first time in three years I haven’t gone to the Lilly Coogan’s open mic.  I couldn’t face Shelia and Bob Dylan.  Surprisingly, I don’t feel as sick as I thought I would considering I didn’t get to express myself in a public forum.  I guess I’ll just have to wait until next week to share my voice.  I’m not planning on getting much work done today.  This is actually kind of nice.    

It's Over

Not leaving the house today. 

Sleep, Where Are You?

It’s 5:20 a.m.  Why am I awake?  Oh right, the love of my life left me for some hack.  I almost forgot but then luckily my subconscious took over while I was asleep, threw in a nightmare about Harry trying to sing, and my heart rate made it impossible to stay asleep.  Thanks heart rate.  

How to Show Up to Work Late and Get Away With It!

Showed up to work at noon yesterday.  No one cared.

HOW TO ZING YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S NEW BODYGUARD

Calling up your ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night is essential, especially since you know that she still wants you bad.

"But how many times should I call in one night?" you ask. 

(This is how you should look when you make each call.  Not surprisingly, girls can hear if you're not making a frowny face over the phone so don't be a poser.)

Most studies agree that four or five calls per night is the bare minimum if you expect to win back your girl.  How is she going to know you love her unless you tell her constantly?  Sending upwards of 400 texts per hour can't hurt.  You have to utilize everything technology has to offer: email, friendster, bird calls, smoke signals, and morse code.

"What if someone else answers the phone and sounds a lot like Harry?"
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  When confronted with someone who wants to appear macho, make sure to out-macho him.  Immediately jump to the "good guy/hero" role.  This will force him into the "bad guy/villain" role and soon enough God will be on your side.  

Scenario #1:

Harry: Hey, it’s Harry.

Me: What the freak?  Did you steal Sheila’s cell phone? 

H: What?

M: I’ll kick your butt if you did.

H: No, Sheila’s in the other room-

M: You freaking kidnapped her, you piece of crud?

H: No, listen to me. 

M: I don’t listen to guys like you.  I crap guys that are bigger than you that listen to me.
H: What?

Pretty cool, right?  I just thought of that on the spot.  When a bad guy yells at you, turn it around on them. This will leave them shocked and confused.  Then you can swoop in and save your ex-girlfriend.

"But what if the bodyguard tries to play nice?"

This is bound to happen as most super villains operate the same way.  Don't fall for their tactics.  Do what I do.

Scenario #2
H: Ok, I understand you’re mad-

M: I’m not the one who’s mad, friendo (“friend” in Mexican), you’re the one who’s mad.

H: Did you just call me, friendo? 

M: Go freak yourself, friendo.

H: Listen, Sheila wants you to stop calling her.     

M: Like heck I’ll stop calling her.

H: Seriously, you’re making her upset. 

M: Upset?  But I’m the one who’s in love with her.

H: Just…please, for her sake, stop calling.

M: Fine, I’ll stop calling, but you better watch the watchtower, said the joker to the thief.

H: That’s not how the song goes.

M: You’re not how the song goes.

H: Alright, I’m going to go.  Please stop calling.

M: Forget you melon farmer.  You’re not going anywhere...Harry?  Sheila?  You there?  Guys?  Come on, this isn’t funny…Guys?  Did you just hang up on me?

Once they've hung up you know you've won the phone-off competition.  Give yourself 200 points.  When you reach 1,000 points you'll be eligible for a tootsie roll or lollipop at Chucky Cheese.  Or you can hold onto your points and once you reach 10 million you can buy back your ex-girlfriend. 

WIN BACK YOUR GIRLFRIEND: UPDATE!

It’s your one-week anniversary since Sheila or whoever tried to dump you.  You find yourself scrounging through your shoe box of old photos, poems, candy hearts, and friendship bracelets last night because you couldn’t sleep.  "We look so good together," you say to yourself while whimpering into a small garbage can that's shaped like Castle Grey Skull, "It’d be so silly for us to never see each other again."   

Here's what to do:

1) Don't forget about her.  That's what she wants you to do.  Once you forget about her, she wins.  You can't let that happen if you want to get more points.

2) Obsess.  Don't have enough money for a periscope and are too afraid to climb a nearby tree so you can look into her window?  There are plenty of alternatives:

          A) Write a novella about her.  People will think your so intelligent for writing a novella and soon you'll have her interest.

          B) Write a folk album about her.  Then you can open for the Dave Matthews Band on the road.  Girls like that band and soon word will get back to Sheila that you're in the band and she'll want you back.

         C) Fold together a life sized origami sculpture of her and bow to it every day.  Then you won't even need to see her because the origami sculpture will be so life-like.  Fold yourself a couple swans for house pets.

3) Find a song that perfectly captures how long it's been since you talked to her.  Here's mine.  Please find your own:

I think I’m going to call Sheila.

My Friend, Micah

I told my friend, Micah, about the nonsense Harry sang at Lilly Coogan's and Micah told me Harry was covering a Bob Dylan song.  I didn't know what Bob was so I yahoo.comed it.    

He’s great.  A lot of his stuff sounds like gibberish and none of the lyrics make sense to me, but here’s a picture of him before haircuts were invented.  

And here's a short film about Bob that Martin Scorcese made for YouTube...

My friend, Micah’s pretty cool.  He works with me at AmerInsured, but he’s in the Claims department and I'm in Bank Annuity so I only see him during lunch.  He's probably the hardest worker there.

CATCH YOUR GIRL WITH ANOTHER GUY, HERE'S WHAT TO DO!

Sheila, don’t think I didn’t see you at Lilly Coogan’s making boogy eyes with that fake, Harry.  That guy couldn't write a song if he tripped on a song writing handbook by a famous songwriter.  What is “How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?”  That doesn’t make any sense. “The answer is blowing in the wind?” I blew wind when I heard that.  Sheila, you’re flushing your life down the toilet with that guy.

I still love you.

Also, devoted readers, here are some great advice tips for those who've caught their significant others with another guy:

1) Don't panic.  Panic shows weakness and weakness shows defeat.  And defeat shows something bad.  Something bad shows a blood clot and blood clots show a blemish on your skin and no one likes blemishes.  They're unbecoming and no one will ever date you if you have them.  So DON'T PANIC!

2) Instead, breathe out through your earlobes.  Pro-Doctors have tested this and found it eases you faster than breathing out of anything else.

2.5) Think about your blog and how famous you'll get once it hits the New York Times Beststeller Blog List.  Your chest will automatically puff to full capacity while your cheeks will show confidence.  Try not to kill a man during your adrenaline rush.

3) Then play a song about how stupid the lyric "blowing in the wind" sounds and sleep easy.  Congratulations.  Problem averted.  

HOW TO WIN BACK YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN A WEEK

What's that?  Your girlfriend left you?  I know the feeling, blog fan in Idaho.

Here's what you need to do.

1) Don't just sit down without a fight.

2) Keep blogging.

3) If you don't already have a blog, start one.  Each entry will read like one stanza in an epic love letter.  Cool, right?  Every day your girlfriend will read your blog and wish she could take back what she said.*

4) When your girlfriend admits she was wrong and calls you back, go over to her house with the December 2009 "Sheila Will Love This" I-Pod mix you made and play it through the surround sound speakers you bought for her on her birthday.  While she's relaxing, fix up a jug of hot chocolate with Baileys Irish Cream the way she likes it.  

*Sheila, if you’re there, it’s ok.  Just call me and we’ll make things right again.

HOW TO WRITE THE PERFECT SONG FOR YOUR CRYING SOUL

Sometimes normal sentences cannot convey how you feel.  What do you do?

ANSWER: Write a ballad to be sung with a raspy growl over D minor – F minor – C minor.  

Make sure the song captures the moment emotionally, mentally, and physically.  For instance:

Thought we were going to the exhibit at the Met tonight,

I know you like Picasso and I thought we’d enjoy our night,

Then we’d go to that great sushi place tonight,

So I could make it the best Thursday of your life,

But when I showed up, you said I try too hard

And told me to stop suffocating your life. 

The walk home was long, 

As I was carrying a bouquet of roses…

An acoustic guitar, a bottle of wine, “Three Men and a Baby,” 

And my new psychosis…

(repeat chorus x4)

(guitar solo)

(chorus)

(guitar solo)

(bass solo)

(drum solo)

(gong)

(harmonica solo)

I’ll never stop loving you…

I’ll never stop loving you…

I’ll never stoppppppppp loving you Sheila…

(fade out to the sound of crying)

When you have finished the lyrics, make sure to edit them until the arthritis in your fingers matches the cracks in your broken heart. 

LIGHTNING CHALLENGE!

TIP FOR TAP: Reader in Idaho, if you’re ever down, always look for the bronze lining in the clouds.  For instance, today I learned about the word anguish (I think that's correct word usage). 

LIGHTNING CHALLENGE: For those who've never played Lightning Challenge, I give you a scenario about a fictional character and you help the character figure out his life.

Here's a scenario synopsis:  Let's say there was a girl named Sheila who dumped her loving boyfriend this morning.

Here's the scenario in depth: The loving boyfriend was brainstorming poster ideas for the daily inspirational quote contest when, in the middle of his weekly motivational work meeting, his cell phone vibrated.  He checked the message.  It said, "Don't call me ever again." The loving boyfriend was crippled like FDR after an icy swim. 

Readers, should the boyfriend:

A) Give up on life?

B) Follow the example of Wedding Crashers when Rachel McAdams tells Owen Wilson she doesn’t want to see him anymore because she’s mad at him, but in actuality she still wants to see him again?  Should I crash Sheila's sister’s wedding?  (She has a sister that’s getting married next week.  I know, weird right?)  

C) Forget about today.  She was probably drunk.  Meet her tomorrow at her house and take her out for a wonderful time. 

When responding with your answers, don't forget the bronze lining. 

Sheila? UPDATE!

Sheila is OK.  So if anyone set up an Amber Alert, please take it down.

She called me just now at 10:38 PM, but it was hard to hear her over the dance music.  She doesn’t usually call so late because she knows I like to get at least nine hours of sleep every night, but I guess she had too much to drink again.  

Question: Is it weird that she kept calling me a different name and told me to shut up when I tried to correct her?   

I set up a poll.  Please answer at your convenience.  

A)   Yes, it is peculiar.

B)   Don’t worry about it.  You’re money baby.

C)   Not sure, need some dets (details).  

Sheila?

Still no word from Sheila.  Does anyone reading this blog know how to put out an Amber Alert?

Emergency! Sheila's in Trouble?

Went to Lilly Coogan’s last night.  I played a kick-ass song about warlocks and how not enough people take them seriously, but Sheila wasn't there to enjoy it.  

I called her three times, but I guess her phone isn’t working because she didn’t answer.  I called her phone company to make sure her phone was in service, but they told me they couldn’t provide that information, which is zany.  What if Sheila’s in trouble? 

Sheila if you or anyone you know is reading this, please call me back.  Just want to make sure you’re ok. 

Me

It’s exciting putting all my secrets up on the Internet for everyone to see.  I know someone in Idaho's reading everything I write and wondering who I am, so here goes:

I have the hair of a wistful dream and eyes like a Jade dragon.*   

I work at AmerInsured Life Insurance Company in downtown Manhattan weekdays  from 8 am to 6 pm, but soon I’ll be a famous singer/songwriter.  See me before I hit it big, Sunday nights at Lilly Coogan’s open mic.  It'd be great to have you there since usually the bartender is the only one in the audience when I go onstage.  

I’ve been with the love of my life, Sheila, for over a year now.  Here's a love song I wrote about us:

   We first met at Lilly Coogans,

   You were in the audience 

   And I was getting heckled by hooligans, 

   I played my epic ballad about tango dancing with the devil,  

   I guess it pulled some heartstrings, 

   Because when I sat next to you at the bar you fell into my arms (still working on that verse).  

   Your perfume smelled like Absolute Vodka, 

   Which was cool,

   Even though I'm allergic to vodka.  

   That night you opened up really quickly to me,

   Especially in the bathroom while I held your hair and then noticed you'd peed on me.

_______________

She keeps telling me she doesn't remember the first ten times we met, which is adorable.   

Here's a picture of her with her friends.  She was recently featured on a cool website:

Well I have to work on some lyrics right now, but I’ll write more soon.

_____________________________
* From my song "Nothing Says I Love You Like Wistful Dream Hair and Jade Dragon Eyes."

Kept On Keeping On

Did a lot today to kick off the New Year.  

1) Started this blog.

2) Wrote another song for Sheila.  It’s my most honest yet.  Can’t wait to wow her with it.

DESIGN THE PERFECT NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IN SECONDS!

Promising to write this blog isn't the first great resolution I've made.  In 2003 I said I'd check out more circuses and last year I finally put my foot down and threatened my parents that I'd move out of the house unless they bought me more sugar cereal.

Want to share my success?  Here are some great ways to make the most of your resolutions:

1) Make sure your resolution is to either "lose 10 pounds" or "eat healthier."  No one likes a hipster who makes up some ironic or quirky resolution that no one can relate to.  

BAD IDEA: Last year my friend, Steve, said he was going to get more involved in community service and we all yawned.   

GREAT IDEA: I said I was going to "eat healthier" and now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.

2) Make sure your resolution is unachievable: Have you ever met anyone who's followed through on their resolutions?  Of course not.  Those people would be considered pompous and arrogant.  You want to let everyone  know you can have a good time, but are also a lovable failure.  

HORRIBLE IDEA: Three years ago Steve resoluted to give up drinking.  He followed through on his promise.  Do you know what Steve does for fun now?  He hangs out in basements and tells people boring stories about how he woke up hung over on a train to Shanghai with no recollection of how he got there.   

AWESOME IDEA: One year I said I'd lose more pounds than I actually weighed.  When I gained 20 pounds instead of losing my entire body weight people saw me as an inspiration.  Rather than working up a sweat and injuring themselves at the gym, they stayed home and relaxed.  Now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.

3) Make jokes about how fast you broke your resolution.  This way everyone at the office will think you're a real character.

DEVASTATINGLY MISERABLE IDEA: Steve never broke any of his resolutions so he had no clever jokes to tell at the company karaoke night.  By the end of the night everyone asked why Steve didn't have any good resolution jokes.  Did he hate comedy?  Did he hate humanity?  No, he just didn't plan his resolutions properly.  

HILARIOUS IDEA: One year my resolution was to become Catholic.  Then, later, when people asked if I'd followed through on my resolution I told them I gave up Catholicism for lent.  Everyone laughed really hard and then we high-fived.  Now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.    

HOW TO MAKE 2010 PERFECT

2009 was a blast for me and I want 2010 to be an explosion of fun for you so I’m making this blog a “How-To” for those looking to have the perfect life.  Are you ready?  Well then just put on a pair of jeans and let's go.  You look fine.  Seriously.      

Step 1)    Get a stunning girlfriend who’s amazing in every way.  

I know this might be difficult for some of you, especially you Steve, but what you don’t realize is
once you have a stunning girlfriend (like my Sheila) everything turns up aces.  The other day I
rode a unicorn over a rainbow.  Sure, it was in a dream, but that’s a better dream than single people
have so take a bite of that knowledge.    

Done biting into that knowledge?  Great.  You’re ready for step 2.

Step 2)     Express yourself through folk song.  Some have expressed themselves through other means,        (drawing, yodeling, Nintendo), but folk song is the best for your soul.[1]  Once you master metaphors the world is your bivalve mollusc that lives in a marine habitat.  The other day I compared a rain cloud to the beat of an antelope and my elbow tendonitis went away.  That's how powerful metaphors are.  Since writing my first folk lyric six years ago I haven’t needed to see a doctor.[2]

3)    Dress to Murder.  I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Dress for the occupation that interests you, not that one that no one wants.”  Well I came up with my own wisdom: “Dress to impress.”  Only a songwriter could pull off a rhyme like that, a folk songwriter who’s confident because he has matching clothes and a stunning girlfriend. 

  

This is just a gizz of what’s coming in 2010.  I know a magician doesn’t give away his tricks, but I guess I’m a philanthropic magician who has so many tricks up his sleeve that he has to give some of them away so he can make room in his sleeve for stuff like a bunny or the key to his underwater Houdini tank.   If you want the latest on style and lifestyle or just like magic tricks, then you know where to stay tuned (here).  

---

[1] I haven’t tried interpretive dance or kick boxing yet, but folk singing definitely beats out water color painting and graphic novel writing hands down.

[2] I haven’t seen an optometrist in seven years, but that’s because he gave me bad glasses so now I can’t find his office.  Heyo.  That one’s for the kids.

Happy New Years!

They say a singer/songwriter should be honest and open so this year I’m blogging.  That way you can see everything that goes into my heart and soul. 

Don't worry silly, this is just a diagram, not my actual heart.   

This is actually how my soul looks: turquoise and reddish brown with hip black people sprinkled around it.