HOW TO STOP CARING AND START NOT CARING!

No one at work gets much done.  Some try hard, but because they’re so passionate they waste time talking about their passion or hyperventilating if something goes wrong.  Consequently they finish as slow as others who don't care. 

If you find you’re working hard in the office with no benefit, try not caring.  Here are some great ways to do that:

1) Undo your beehive haircut.  There won't be so much weight on your head so you can think clearly.  You’ll also be able to wear a hat, which can hide your eyes when you’re sleeping on the job.

  

2) Stop arguing with guys like this.  Not only does he smell (after waving that sign for an hour his pits reeked), but the more you argue the more it validates his existence.  The next time someone tells you gay marriage "just ain't right," smile and return to reading.  You'll lose them in no time.  

3) Stop spending your money on QVC.  The infomercials say it’s a good idea to combine scissors with a coffee machine and lawnmower, but you’d be surprised how unhelpful the Swiss Army Espresso Tractor can be.  You’ll be much happier if you don’t waste your time spending money.  As soon as you stop caring people will want to spend money on you.  The less you give the more they’ll want to buy you.  

     Scenario A) You show up at the bar in sweatpants and a Def Leopard t-shirt.  Someone thinks you’re sexy and buys you drinks.

  

     Scenario B) You show up at the office half naked (lower half) with a copy of Hustler to read.  Your boss thinks it’s his fault and gives you a raise, hoping you'll work harder.  Or he feels bad for you so he gives you a raise to make you less depressed.  Either way it’s win win. 

4) Don’t discuss American Idol.  Keep that information to yourself.  The less you talk about American Idol the more people will think you’re an intellectual and will shower you with praise.  For instance: “Did you see Joan?  She didn’t talk about American Idol today.  Wow, she must’ve started reading.” 

5) Or discuss American Idol.  People will think you’re tapped into the culture of our day and will consider you the main guru.  Get ready to have a lot of friends because that’s what happens when you’re a pop culture guru.   

POP CULTURE FUN FACT: Even famous people aren’t happy.  If famous people aren’t happy, why struggle to be famous?  If Brangelina can’t make a relationship work how could you?  This is as good as it gets.