UPDATE UPDATE!

Here’s some great stuff you can do to pass the time at work.

The Internet: have you heard of this worldly web?  It’s got everything a bored office worker could ever want.  Here’s a fun game: pretend you’re a spy.  See how many seconds it takes to find blueprints to the U.S. military’s future plans online.  When the marines break down the door and arrest you at work everyone will think you’re really cool. 

Go on tour: If you’re in an office like mine, tour from cubicle to cubicle and see how they pass their time.  This should give you a wealth of ideas for better stuff you could be doing.  For instance, when she gets bored, which is always, Joan, the crazy lady with a beehive haircut who sits next me goes online and downloads pictures of cats.  Then she makes a collage for her screen saver so people can see just how crazy she is every time her computer is inactive for over a minute.  This gives her an incentive to look busy, otherwise people will see the crazy cat collage on her screen and consider sending her to an asylum. 

Pop Culture: This is another activity that Joan excels at.  If you thought knowledge about the Twilight love triangle or Brangelina breakup was boring then you thought wrong.  Researching these people will bring joy to anyone’s heart.  Everyone considers these celebrities super successful and yet they also can’t get their shit together.  Brad has girl problems just like the rest of us.  I remember when Sheila wanted to adopt 65 children from different countries around the world.  Now you can live your life vicariously through these people and when you hear any negative news about them you can feel better about yourself. 

Here are some things to say when you read bad news about a celebrity.

“Well at least I wasn’t caught in the backseat with an underage, illegal immigrant hooker.”

“My dad is bad, but at least I didn’t kill my wife…yet.”

 

“I thought my job sucked, but least I don’t have to star in Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.”

You will never be happier with yourself.  And the best part is it’ll motivate you to never put yourself out there or try because once you see the type of shit all these celebrities get for trying, you’ll never want to be in their shoes. 

“Why become a good singer if Simon’s just going to tell me that I’m horrible on national television?”

Here are some great publications you can pick up to raise your spirits:

People, Us Weekly, The New York Post…