DESIGN THE PERFECT NEW YEARS RESOLUTION IN SECONDS!

Promising to write this blog isn't the first great resolution I've made.  In 2003 I said I'd check out more circuses and last year I finally put my foot down and threatened my parents that I'd move out of the house unless they bought me more sugar cereal.

Want to share my success?  Here are some great ways to make the most of your resolutions:

1) Make sure your resolution is to either "lose 10 pounds" or "eat healthier."  No one likes a hipster who makes up some ironic or quirky resolution that no one can relate to.  

BAD IDEA: Last year my friend, Steve, said he was going to get more involved in community service and we all yawned.   

GREAT IDEA: I said I was going to "eat healthier" and now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.

2) Make sure your resolution is unachievable: Have you ever met anyone who's followed through on their resolutions?  Of course not.  Those people would be considered pompous and arrogant.  You want to let everyone  know you can have a good time, but are also a lovable failure.  

HORRIBLE IDEA: Three years ago Steve resoluted to give up drinking.  He followed through on his promise.  Do you know what Steve does for fun now?  He hangs out in basements and tells people boring stories about how he woke up hung over on a train to Shanghai with no recollection of how he got there.   

AWESOME IDEA: One year I said I'd lose more pounds than I actually weighed.  When I gained 20 pounds instead of losing my entire body weight people saw me as an inspiration.  Rather than working up a sweat and injuring themselves at the gym, they stayed home and relaxed.  Now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.

3) Make jokes about how fast you broke your resolution.  This way everyone at the office will think you're a real character.

DEVASTATINGLY MISERABLE IDEA: Steve never broke any of his resolutions so he had no clever jokes to tell at the company karaoke night.  By the end of the night everyone asked why Steve didn't have any good resolution jokes.  Did he hate comedy?  Did he hate humanity?  No, he just didn't plan his resolutions properly.  

HILARIOUS IDEA: One year my resolution was to become Catholic.  Then, later, when people asked if I'd followed through on my resolution I told them I gave up Catholicism for lent.  Everyone laughed really hard and then we high-fived.  Now look at me.  I have a stunning girlfriend.