LOOKING TO LOSE SLEEP? HERE'S HOW!

Depression is all about sleeping, but if you want to sleep all day you have to spend a couple days making yourself insane.  Here’s how:  

Fall asleep with something buried in your conscience.  Make sure it’s driving you crazy before you close your eyes.  This will ensure you wake up in less than an hour panting from a nightmare about a little killer dog (which dances due to 80's animation) who needed a jumpstart for his car battery but because you were only interested in sleeping with Anne Hathaway you ignored the murderous terrier and now it wants you dead.  

Have lights flashing.  Turn on your computer, your phone, your Ipod, any external harddrives you might have.  Set up a disco ball and a strobe light.  Even if you do get sleep you’ll wake up with epilepsy and series of seizures that make it impossible to sleep without shaking mercilessly.  This is also good for those hoping to shave 5 or 10 pounds every night.

Make sure to watch half an episode of your favorite TV drama just before you hit the sack.  It’ll be next to impossible to get a good night’s rest without wondering what’s going to happen to Tony Soprano.  Does he get shot or not?  Force yourself through about three nights before you treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.  This teaches you discipline and also extreme frustration.  

Buy the album, World Painted Blood.  Every time you lie down for a nap, play it loud enough so  each song wakes you up.  This works even better with Lest We Forget: The Best Of, and Hellbilly Deluxe 2.