CATCH YOUR GIRL WITH ANOTHER GUY, HERE'S WHAT TO DO!

Sheila, don’t think I didn’t see you at Lilly Coogan’s making boogy eyes with that fake, Harry.  That guy couldn't write a song if he tripped on a song writing handbook by a famous songwriter.  What is “How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?”  That doesn’t make any sense. “The answer is blowing in the wind?” I blew wind when I heard that.  Sheila, you’re flushing your life down the toilet with that guy.

I still love you.

Also, devoted readers, here are some great advice tips for those who've caught their significant others with another guy:

1) Don't panic.  Panic shows weakness and weakness shows defeat.  And defeat shows something bad.  Something bad shows a blood clot and blood clots show a blemish on your skin and no one likes blemishes.  They're unbecoming and no one will ever date you if you have them.  So DON'T PANIC!

2) Instead, breathe out through your earlobes.  Pro-Doctors have tested this and found it eases you faster than breathing out of anything else.

2.5) Think about your blog and how famous you'll get once it hits the New York Times Beststeller Blog List.  Your chest will automatically puff to full capacity while your cheeks will show confidence.  Try not to kill a man during your adrenaline rush.

3) Then play a song about how stupid the lyric "blowing in the wind" sounds and sleep easy.  Congratulations.  Problem averted.  

HOW TO WIN BACK YOUR GIRLFRIEND IN A WEEK

What's that?  Your girlfriend left you?  I know the feeling, blog fan in Idaho.

Here's what you need to do.

1) Don't just sit down without a fight.

2) Keep blogging.

3) If you don't already have a blog, start one.  Each entry will read like one stanza in an epic love letter.  Cool, right?  Every day your girlfriend will read your blog and wish she could take back what she said.*

4) When your girlfriend admits she was wrong and calls you back, go over to her house with the December 2009 "Sheila Will Love This" I-Pod mix you made and play it through the surround sound speakers you bought for her on her birthday.  While she's relaxing, fix up a jug of hot chocolate with Baileys Irish Cream the way she likes it.  

*Sheila, if you’re there, it’s ok.  Just call me and we’ll make things right again.

HOW TO WRITE THE PERFECT SONG FOR YOUR CRYING SOUL

Sometimes normal sentences cannot convey how you feel.  What do you do?

ANSWER: Write a ballad to be sung with a raspy growl over D minor – F minor – C minor.  

Make sure the song captures the moment emotionally, mentally, and physically.  For instance:

Thought we were going to the exhibit at the Met tonight,

I know you like Picasso and I thought we’d enjoy our night,

Then we’d go to that great sushi place tonight,

So I could make it the best Thursday of your life,

But when I showed up, you said I try too hard

And told me to stop suffocating your life. 

The walk home was long, 

As I was carrying a bouquet of roses…

An acoustic guitar, a bottle of wine, “Three Men and a Baby,” 

And my new psychosis…

(repeat chorus x4)

(guitar solo)

(chorus)

(guitar solo)

(bass solo)

(drum solo)

(gong)

(harmonica solo)

I’ll never stop loving you…

I’ll never stop loving you…

I’ll never stoppppppppp loving you Sheila…

(fade out to the sound of crying)

When you have finished the lyrics, make sure to edit them until the arthritis in your fingers matches the cracks in your broken heart. 

LIGHTNING CHALLENGE!

TIP FOR TAP: Reader in Idaho, if you’re ever down, always look for the bronze lining in the clouds.  For instance, today I learned about the word anguish (I think that's correct word usage). 

LIGHTNING CHALLENGE: For those who've never played Lightning Challenge, I give you a scenario about a fictional character and you help the character figure out his life.

Here's a scenario synopsis:  Let's say there was a girl named Sheila who dumped her loving boyfriend this morning.

Here's the scenario in depth: The loving boyfriend was brainstorming poster ideas for the daily inspirational quote contest when, in the middle of his weekly motivational work meeting, his cell phone vibrated.  He checked the message.  It said, "Don't call me ever again." The loving boyfriend was crippled like FDR after an icy swim. 

Readers, should the boyfriend:

A) Give up on life?

B) Follow the example of Wedding Crashers when Rachel McAdams tells Owen Wilson she doesn’t want to see him anymore because she’s mad at him, but in actuality she still wants to see him again?  Should I crash Sheila's sister’s wedding?  (She has a sister that’s getting married next week.  I know, weird right?)  

C) Forget about today.  She was probably drunk.  Meet her tomorrow at her house and take her out for a wonderful time. 

When responding with your answers, don't forget the bronze lining. 

Sheila? UPDATE!

Sheila is OK.  So if anyone set up an Amber Alert, please take it down.

She called me just now at 10:38 PM, but it was hard to hear her over the dance music.  She doesn’t usually call so late because she knows I like to get at least nine hours of sleep every night, but I guess she had too much to drink again.  

Question: Is it weird that she kept calling me a different name and told me to shut up when I tried to correct her?   

I set up a poll.  Please answer at your convenience.  

A)   Yes, it is peculiar.

B)   Don’t worry about it.  You’re money baby.

C)   Not sure, need some dets (details).  

Sheila?

Still no word from Sheila.  Does anyone reading this blog know how to put out an Amber Alert?

Emergency! Sheila's in Trouble?

Went to Lilly Coogan’s last night.  I played a kick-ass song about warlocks and how not enough people take them seriously, but Sheila wasn't there to enjoy it.  

I called her three times, but I guess her phone isn’t working because she didn’t answer.  I called her phone company to make sure her phone was in service, but they told me they couldn’t provide that information, which is zany.  What if Sheila’s in trouble? 

Sheila if you or anyone you know is reading this, please call me back.  Just want to make sure you’re ok.