LOOKING TO LOSE SLEEP? HERE'S HOW!

Depression is all about sleeping, but if you want to sleep all day you have to spend a couple days making yourself insane.  Here’s how:  

Fall asleep with something buried in your conscience.  Make sure it’s driving you crazy before you close your eyes.  This will ensure you wake up in less than an hour panting from a nightmare about a little killer dog (which dances due to 80's animation) who needed a jumpstart for his car battery but because you were only interested in sleeping with Anne Hathaway you ignored the murderous terrier and now it wants you dead.  

Have lights flashing.  Turn on your computer, your phone, your Ipod, any external harddrives you might have.  Set up a disco ball and a strobe light.  Even if you do get sleep you’ll wake up with epilepsy and series of seizures that make it impossible to sleep without shaking mercilessly.  This is also good for those hoping to shave 5 or 10 pounds every night.

Make sure to watch half an episode of your favorite TV drama just before you hit the sack.  It’ll be next to impossible to get a good night’s rest without wondering what’s going to happen to Tony Soprano.  Does he get shot or not?  Force yourself through about three nights before you treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.  This teaches you discipline and also extreme frustration.  

Buy the album, World Painted Blood.  Every time you lie down for a nap, play it loud enough so  each song wakes you up.  This works even better with Lest We Forget: The Best Of, and Hellbilly Deluxe 2.

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR BLACK OUT!

So apparently I said a lot after I blacked out.  Luckily it was to Jamie.  I assume it was something along the lines of "I love you man" because he said "we cool, but I ain't into that fruit loops taste the rainbow shit."

Looking to black out and make your friends feel weird?  Here are some great phrases to throw out there while drunk:

"Hey sweet cheeks, give me some sugar."  Girls and guys alike often find this phrase funny so make sure to keep a straight poker-face so they know you mean business.

"Damn girl, why don't you back that thang up." Girls might be offended by this, but guys will definitely be offended.  Women will appreciate that you're referring to them as girls because it makes them feel younger.

"I love you."  It's never a moment too soon to tell a complete stranger that you love them.  It might catch people off guard but that's the point of love: to lift you off your feet and make you feel weird.

HELPFUL HINT: Make sure to lift people off their feet when you say "I love you." That way they can feel like you swept them off their feet and it'll make for a better love story later when you're talking to your kids.

Remembering 4/20

4/20, a holiday for people who otherwise would never be organized or motivated enough to set up their own holiday.

Below is a an accurate historical timeline for the creation of 4/20

March 1, 3000 BC - The earth and pot are invented by Zeus

June 2, 2905 BC - that fat God who likes drinking also gets the greeks to smoke them if they have possession of them.

April 20, 2846 BC - All the Gods get really high together, but fail to have the initiative to create a holiday.

April 20, 1946 AD - 4/20 is created as a holiday so potsmokers can keep their buzz going even though it's Hitler's birthday.

That's what Jamie at work told me at least.  Then he insisted we leave work early so we could smoke, but instead of leaving at 4:20 like I thought we would, we just left at 11:20 because he wanted to have a dry mouth lunch in addition to the wet lunch he usually takes.

Johann didn't mind since he was still hung over from the 4/19 party that Jamie threw last night.  4/19 according to Jamie is an even more important holiday than 4/20.  "It's like Kol Nidre is to Yom Kippur and shit or Christmas Eve is to Christmas, bitch!"  I wasn't about to argue even though it sounded wrong on several levels.

After the second mind eraser I was agreeing with most of what Jamie had to say anyway.  Plus, that girl Nicole was there too so it was a good holiday had by all.  I blacked out before I got to talk to her and after that the night was pretty uneventful.

WANT TO GET DEGRADED? READ THIS IMMEDIATELY!

Had a pizza party today at work because the bank annuity department raised our quarterly earnings this year (I don't know what that means either).   It's pretty cool to know that even at age 28 people will still treat you like a 6th grade soccer player.

I asked Johann if he could just give us a raise.  He said if I wanted I could take home some extra pepperoni slices.  Fortunately, I did want to do that.

Rent is due tomorrow and I asked my landlord if I could pay in pepperoni slices.  I wasn't surprised when he said yes.  He and I both know it's really good pepperoni.

Here are some Two great WAYS TO GET DEMEANED, DEGRADED, OR EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY DESTROYED:

1.) Work on your posture - The best way to walk is with your head hung low.  This will offer almost no protection against those looking to heckle, trip, or have their dog shit on you.  With your head hung low you will be much more likely to walk into a wall, a moving bus, or a guy who wants to beat the crap out of you.

2.) Apologize for everything - Once people catch on to the fact that you feel guilty they'll readily ask you to perform tasks as a means of repentance.  Step 2: Kick the self-degradation process into high gear.  Start with something simple like "I'm sorry for getting in your way" and once you feel comfortable, slowly progress toward more pathetic statements like "I'm sorry for my existence" and "I completely understand why you'd hate me."

SOME MYTH-BUSTING ABOUT THERAPY

Johann called to see how I was enjoying my vacation.  I told him it was depressing, which seemed to give him the wrong idea.  He suggested Micah and I try therapy.  As we all know this is crazy talk?

FALSE: Therapy rules!

MYTH BUSTER: Therapy is a dirty word if your goal is self-deprovement.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than by realizing you have to pay someone to listen to you. 

SIDE EFFECTS OF THERAPY: WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU

After two weeks, $250, and a letter from your health insurance company telling you they don’t cover psychiatric, your self-esteem will be walking on the moon.  

You’ll be so productive you’ll never see your bed again and your face will hurt from all the smiling you’ll be doing.  

Your shoulders and back won’t be so jacked from carrying around the weight of the world 

Your soul won’t have its cool, sleek, blackness you’ve come to enjoy.  

If you want to go outside and see the beauty in things then by all means, ruin a good thing and go to therapy. Why not do yoga and take anti-depressants you fool. 

When you find a healthy soul means you have to get up before 6pm on Sunday for brunch with what are known as "friends" you’ll be kicking yourself until you have to go to an asylum where they give you more therapy.  

WANT TO STAY DEPRESSED? HERE'S HOW!

I never realized how difficult it is to stay depressed until now.  You really have to put forth some effort.  But believe me, it’s worth it. 

Here’s something you can do to keep your head on the pillow and your eyes far from any prize.

Find triggers guaranteed to leave you depressed

Reaching a level-headed emotional state?  Want to be depressed again so you can eat whatever you want and sleep whenever and wherever you want?  Find an emotional trigger that’ll set you off? 

A emotional trigger could be as simple as someone leaving their alarm clock on in the apartment next to yours.  The trick is to not put anything in perspective.  Rather than say “oh, they must be waking up” tell yourself that your walls are thin because you can’t afford anything better since you haven’t had a job in a year and a half and are a complete failure in life.  You’ll be back to the bed in no time.  If you’re a real pro you’ll continue to search out triggers while in bed.

FUN TIME ACTIVITY: Now it’s your turn.  

1) Pick a word or thing to have a mental breakdown about.  It could be anything from your faulty lamp to your uncle. 

2) Jump to conclusions without thinking about what you’re saying and let your world turn upside down.  

3) Try this with several things until there is no way you can have a positive perspective on life.  The trick is to see open your eyes and immediately think, “I’m a failure!”  It’s like an every day inkblot test except you’re not in therapy, because as Jamie explains, "that therapy shit's for fags." 

 

AWESOME WARNING: Some have used gun triggers, but gun triggers don’t give you the opportunity to enjoy more dominos pizza or youporn.  Before finding a gun trigger you need to make sure you’re the lead singer of a successful Seattle grunge band or the author of The Old Man and the Sea (this does not mean writing two pages in your journal and calling it Old Man and the Sea).  

Before then just concentrate on honing your depression.  Don’t end a good thing.  You have a talent my friend.  No need to waste it.  

Good Times

Micah’s been really depressed lately which has been great.  It’s given us both a chance to sleep more, eat a bunch of donuts, watch porn all day, and never clean up.  If you haven’t been depressed before you should really try it. 

Johann said I could call in sick all next week because that’s what he’s planning on doing.  I’m really looking forward to getting nothing accomplished. 


How are you planning to spend the next week?  Are you going to try to get things accomplished or are you going to do things the way God intended?

Hanging With Mr. Jamie

I walked around with Jamie yesterday and let him show me how he “gets shit done.”  He’s right about being “mad insightful.”  In just one hour I realized the life I’ve been missing out on. 

First we smoked up in the back parking lot.  At first I was a little paranoid, but then Johann joined us and gave us some really good mushrooms.  Then he bought us lobsters at the bistro.  It was weird at first because my lobster, Freddy, had a lot of interesting things to say about life, but then I ate Freddy so I could gain all his powers. 

 

(Above: photo of what happened.)

I’m still a little high. 

Jamie said Johann and I could be his “protégés and shit” so there’s a lot to look forward to.  

Taking It All In

I spent some quality time gurgling Jamie’s philosophies around my brain and I reached some epiphanies:

Women love it whenever a guy takes the time to treat them like shit.   In fact, they prefer that you refer to them as hoes, bitches, sluts, or slutty bitchoes.  If you treat a slutty bitcho like a princess she’ll start acting like a princess.  Instead, grab her by the balls and say, “why do you have balls?  Gross.” 

I bet if I’d been this smart when I was with Sheila she’d be all over me right now. 

Man Of The Day In The Office: Jamie

Meet Jamie.  

Jamie’s the mail guy who comes around twice a day to bring Johann his bills and bad news. 

Jamie added me on FaceSpace. Here’s a bit of his profile:

Nickname: Mr. Awesome

Catchphrase: Take It Bitch!

Activities: Banging Hoes, Ridin’ Dirty, Rocking out with my dick out of my pants

I used to think Jamie was a moron until I started listening to his idiotic comments.  Then I realized we’re all morons so why not embrace it. 

Jamie has some deep philosophies on various aspects of life.  Want to transform into that superhero you’ve always wanted to be?  Here’s how:

On Women:

"You gotta hollar at them bitches.  You can’t be pussyfootin’ and shit.  Bitches like a dick with balls."  

On Work:

"Yo, fuck this fruity shit.  I’ll smoke crack up in this bitch if I want to."

On Exercise:

"Man, I ain’t wasting time with that Nordic Track bullshit.  My dick’s too tired from all the fucking I’m doing.  If I want a stair master I’ll just climb up some big titties."

On Academics

"Aca demiz nuts!"  

On Death and Dying

"Fuck it."    

On Life and Living

"Fuck it."

Jamie has a lot to say whenever he comes by so I’m sure I’ll have more knowledge to drop in the future.  Until then, “suck on diz nuts.” 

NETWORK WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

I’ve met a bunch of people around the office lately which is weird because I haven’t tried to network or get ahead in the business. 

My boss, Johann, has invited me to lunch every day this week even after he caught me sleeping at my desk for three hours on Monday.  He thought I wasn’t getting the proper nutrition my body needed so he treated me to a great steak at the bistro and bought me a bunch of power bars to snack on during the day.  This is probably good news for my body since Micah and I have made it a point to only eat pizza and donuts. 

TOTALLY AWESOME TIP: When someone opens up to you, don’t try and help them.  Just zone out and stare at them like their face is a Where’s Waldo novel. 

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: Practice zoning out on this face.  

Here are some great things to look for:

Blemishes in the skin (1 point)

Underlying depression (2 points)

Gray hairs (1 point)

Overt Self-hatred (4 points)

Loss of hope in the eyes (5 points)

Trauma (10 points)

As you zone out and ignore what the person is saying you’ll find that people are drawn to you.  They don't want you to relate to them.  They want to be able to hear themselves and the less you talk the more that's possible for them.  

EXCELLENT EXAMPLE: Johann told me all this crap about how his life is falling apart and even though I made it clear I didn’t care, he kept talking.  He told me about how his parents’ divorced when he was 35, how he had cancer last week, and is still fighting his alcoholism.  It felt great to hear.  I never realized how fantastic my own life was until I listened to his.  Now he loves me and I love myself.  Win Win!

2 GREAT WAYS TO GET PROMOTED!

Here are some great ways to get promoted at work. 

1)    Stand over your boss desk for long periods of time and babble about how there’s never enough time to get your work done.  He’ll find you endearing and will promote you within days.

2)    If it’s a guy, walk by his office every now and again muttering “women” while shaking your head.  When he calls you into his office and asks you what’s wrong, tell him your girl’s giving you a hard time.  Once he says “I know what you mean” start putting a down payment on a new house because you’re about to get another promotion.  (If your boss is a woman, do the same exact thing.  Women know they’re crazy and like a guy who’s honest.)     

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR BOSS!

Came into work at noon today.  If you haven’t done that yet you should.  It’s great because:

    A) You don’t have to wake up early.

    B) Your boss thinks you’re more important than you really are.

Does this not sound like how your boss thinks?  Here are some tips just in case your boss tries to give you lip:

1) The Angry Boss:  

Problem: Your boss has his panties all in a bunch because you showed up four hours late and didn’t call ahead.  He says, “we lost thousands because you weren’t there to process this regulation blah blah.”  

Problem Solver: Smile.  Don’t even bother with a genuine smile.  Most angry bosses are so angry they can't tell the difference.  Just say, “I understand.  I’ll get right on that.”  Then add, “I like your tie.” Then watch as your boss treats you to a free lunch at the open air bistro down the street. 

2) The Passive Aggressive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss walks by your desk and sees you’re watching Wild Hogs on the Netflix.  “Working hard?” he asks as he raises his right eyebrow in an attempt to get his point across without speaking too much.  

Problem Solver: Just be honest with him.  “This movie blows.  Please, whatever you do, do not waste your time watching this?”  He'll be honored you're looking out for him.  Ready for another free lunch?

3) The Passive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss is too scared to tell you to get back to work.  Some crumble under this kind of pressure.  They feel so bad for their bosses they start working again.  

Problem Solver: Don’t fall for this pressure.  If your boss says, “So I was looking over the reports for last month and I really hate to come off like this...this is really my least favorite part of my job...but do you think…” cut him off and say “Are you kidding me, I’d love to go to lunch with you.”  Then stand him up at lunch.  He’ll realize you're super busy he’ll never approach you about anything again.  

HOW TO STOP CARING AND START NOT CARING!

No one at work gets much done.  Some try hard, but because they’re so passionate they waste time talking about their passion or hyperventilating if something goes wrong.  Consequently they finish as slow as others who don't care. 

If you find you’re working hard in the office with no benefit, try not caring.  Here are some great ways to do that:

1) Undo your beehive haircut.  There won't be so much weight on your head so you can think clearly.  You’ll also be able to wear a hat, which can hide your eyes when you’re sleeping on the job.

  

2) Stop arguing with guys like this.  Not only does he smell (after waving that sign for an hour his pits reeked), but the more you argue the more it validates his existence.  The next time someone tells you gay marriage "just ain't right," smile and return to reading.  You'll lose them in no time.  

3) Stop spending your money on QVC.  The infomercials say it’s a good idea to combine scissors with a coffee machine and lawnmower, but you’d be surprised how unhelpful the Swiss Army Espresso Tractor can be.  You’ll be much happier if you don’t waste your time spending money.  As soon as you stop caring people will want to spend money on you.  The less you give the more they’ll want to buy you.  

     Scenario A) You show up at the bar in sweatpants and a Def Leopard t-shirt.  Someone thinks you’re sexy and buys you drinks.

  

     Scenario B) You show up at the office half naked (lower half) with a copy of Hustler to read.  Your boss thinks it’s his fault and gives you a raise, hoping you'll work harder.  Or he feels bad for you so he gives you a raise to make you less depressed.  Either way it’s win win. 

4) Don’t discuss American Idol.  Keep that information to yourself.  The less you talk about American Idol the more people will think you’re an intellectual and will shower you with praise.  For instance: “Did you see Joan?  She didn’t talk about American Idol today.  Wow, she must’ve started reading.” 

5) Or discuss American Idol.  People will think you’re tapped into the culture of our day and will consider you the main guru.  Get ready to have a lot of friends because that’s what happens when you’re a pop culture guru.   

POP CULTURE FUN FACT: Even famous people aren’t happy.  If famous people aren’t happy, why struggle to be famous?  If Brangelina can’t make a relationship work how could you?  This is as good as it gets. 

UPDATE UPDATE!

Here’s some great stuff you can do to pass the time at work.

The Internet: have you heard of this worldly web?  It’s got everything a bored office worker could ever want.  Here’s a fun game: pretend you’re a spy.  See how many seconds it takes to find blueprints to the U.S. military’s future plans online.  When the marines break down the door and arrest you at work everyone will think you’re really cool. 

Go on tour: If you’re in an office like mine, tour from cubicle to cubicle and see how they pass their time.  This should give you a wealth of ideas for better stuff you could be doing.  For instance, when she gets bored, which is always, Joan, the crazy lady with a beehive haircut who sits next me goes online and downloads pictures of cats.  Then she makes a collage for her screen saver so people can see just how crazy she is every time her computer is inactive for over a minute.  This gives her an incentive to look busy, otherwise people will see the crazy cat collage on her screen and consider sending her to an asylum. 

Pop Culture: This is another activity that Joan excels at.  If you thought knowledge about the Twilight love triangle or Brangelina breakup was boring then you thought wrong.  Researching these people will bring joy to anyone’s heart.  Everyone considers these celebrities super successful and yet they also can’t get their shit together.  Brad has girl problems just like the rest of us.  I remember when Sheila wanted to adopt 65 children from different countries around the world.  Now you can live your life vicariously through these people and when you hear any negative news about them you can feel better about yourself. 

Here are some things to say when you read bad news about a celebrity.

“Well at least I wasn’t caught in the backseat with an underage, illegal immigrant hooker.”

“My dad is bad, but at least I didn’t kill my wife…yet.”

 

“I thought my job sucked, but least I don’t have to star in Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.”

You will never be happier with yourself.  And the best part is it’ll motivate you to never put yourself out there or try because once you see the type of shit all these celebrities get for trying, you’ll never want to be in their shoes. 

“Why become a good singer if Simon’s just going to tell me that I’m horrible on national television?”

Here are some great publications you can pick up to raise your spirits:

People, Us Weekly, The New York Post…

Micah

Micah’s moving in with me in February.  He’s just gonna crash on the couch for a few a while until he can find a new job.  I keep telling him jobs are overrated, but he doesn’t seem to get that.  It doesn’t really help that I still have a job. 

Great reasons for moving in with your best friend:

1) You can throw parties more easily.  

2) You don’t have to take the subway to meet each other.  

3) You can divide jobs.  For instance, I won’t get groceries as long as he doesn’t wash the dishes.  

4) You’ll get more sleep because you’ll be able to motivate each other to nap more often.  

So for my faithful reader in Idaho, you’re going to be hearing a lot more about that guy.  

LATE BREAKING UPDATE!

There's absolutely nothing for me to do at work.  It’s like the day before a holiday in elementary school when the teacher just lets you eat glue and throw blocks at each other. 

If you find yourself at work with nothing to do, beware.  Many in this situation might visit their boss and ask if there’s anything else that needs to be done.  Just know that when you do this, here is what’s going through your boss’s head.

1)    What the fuck? 

2)    Are you saying I don’t assign enough work? 

3)    You saying I’m not a good work assigner? 

4)    Fuck your mother. 

5)    I could kick your ass if we were in a UFC cage match. 

6)    How bout you suck my dick, how bout that for more work?

7)    Great, now I have to come up with some bullshit activity for this freak, brown noser to suck on because they get off on busy work.

8)    Maybe I’ll hire a hit man to kill them in the parking lot. 

9)    Is there anything else that needs to be done?  Yea, leave me alone.  I’m trying to play halo on my computer while simultaneously pretending I’m processing annuity transfers.  Also, at some point I’d like to masturbate behind my desk so unless you want to take a money shot for me, get the hell out.  That’s what else needs to be done.  

Point being, your boss hates having to assign work just as much as you hate to do it so unless he or she brings it up first, keep your mouth shut.  

Poor Dan's Almanac

Instead of using this blog to get famous or get Sheila back, I’m just going to use it to help people all over the world who are down on their luck and looking to lose all remaining ambition.

Think of this as an updated Poor Richard’s Almanac.

Cliché of the day: Less is more.  

50 or maybe 9 (Forgot to Count) Reasons Getting Dumped is Awesome

In addition to now having the opportunity to meet a TGI Chilibee’s waitress, getting dumped is awesome.  Here’s a list of perks to getting dumped:

  You have way more free time to sit around and stare into space. 

  You can see what all the hype is behind prostitutes.

  You don’t have to worry about if she’s fucking other guys because now you know she is.

  You no longer have to lose sleep choosing the perfect metaphor to describe your undying love for her.

  You don’t need to keep a laminated cheat sheet reminding yourself of all the things you should do to   avoid pissing her off.

  You no longer have to watch the Notebook, Love Actually, or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants every weekend while listening to the question, “why can’t you be more like those guys?”  Now you can watch those movies in peace.

  You don’t have to pretend everything her best friend, Susan, says is a laugh riot.
 
  Whenever you hear “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed you can change the station.

  You can return that ring and tell the Westchester High marching band they don’t have to show up in front of the Statue of Liberty under the full moon next Saturday.

  Masturbation takes way less time than begging for sex or getting your hopes up only to have them crushed by a mood swing.

  When you’re in the bathroom you have other reading options besides “How to Please A Man” in Cosmo. 
  
  You can finally go back to wearing those oversized sweat pants with the hole over the crotch. 
  
  Your posture will improve as you won’t have to struggle to impress her so much.

  You don’t have to keep re-watching Mallrats trying to figure out a way to win her back.

  You can stop pretending you find yoga enlightening and enjoyable and just go back to your spin and pilates classes.

  You can stop eating all those vegetables and get back to your hobby of growing chins.
 
  You no longer have to spend hours choosing clever responses her to text messages or finding ways to incorporate a new smiley face into your g-chat conversations. 

Great times!

Stayed up until 2 am watching Office Space with Micah last night.  

That movie put everything in perspective, although maybe not the best one to watch with Micah at a time like this (he cried through most of it and asked me what the hell he's going to do now that he has no income and the economy's dead.  I told him to try my fun filled magic trick.  That didn’t seem to make him happier, but at least he wasn’t sad about Office Space anymore).

SPOILER ALERT: In Office Space, Ron Livingston is in a relationship with this bitch but then he meets Jennifer Anniston and falls in love.

FUN FACT: Maybe Sheila's the bitchy girlfriend I had in the beginning of the movie that is my life and now I just have to meet a waitress at TGI Chilibee's or some other restaurant where they have yard sale crap all over the walls. 

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: Watch more movies.  That way you too can live in a fantasy world and forget your problems.  Here are some other great movies to check out and see a guy dating a shitty girl at first, only to meet a much hotter one later:

Old School, Big Daddy, The Wedding Singer, Taledega Nights… I’ll let you know when I get the extensive list of titles.