Hanging With Mr. Jamie

I walked around with Jamie yesterday and let him show me how he “gets shit done.”  He’s right about being “mad insightful.”  In just one hour I realized the life I’ve been missing out on. 

First we smoked up in the back parking lot.  At first I was a little paranoid, but then Johann joined us and gave us some really good mushrooms.  Then he bought us lobsters at the bistro.  It was weird at first because my lobster, Freddy, had a lot of interesting things to say about life, but then I ate Freddy so I could gain all his powers. 

 

(Above: photo of what happened.)

I’m still a little high. 

Jamie said Johann and I could be his “protégés and shit” so there’s a lot to look forward to.  

Taking It All In

I spent some quality time gurgling Jamie’s philosophies around my brain and I reached some epiphanies:

Women love it whenever a guy takes the time to treat them like shit.   In fact, they prefer that you refer to them as hoes, bitches, sluts, or slutty bitchoes.  If you treat a slutty bitcho like a princess she’ll start acting like a princess.  Instead, grab her by the balls and say, “why do you have balls?  Gross.” 

I bet if I’d been this smart when I was with Sheila she’d be all over me right now. 

Man Of The Day In The Office: Jamie

Meet Jamie.  

Jamie’s the mail guy who comes around twice a day to bring Johann his bills and bad news. 

Jamie added me on FaceSpace. Here’s a bit of his profile:

Nickname: Mr. Awesome

Catchphrase: Take It Bitch!

Activities: Banging Hoes, Ridin’ Dirty, Rocking out with my dick out of my pants

I used to think Jamie was a moron until I started listening to his idiotic comments.  Then I realized we’re all morons so why not embrace it. 

Jamie has some deep philosophies on various aspects of life.  Want to transform into that superhero you’ve always wanted to be?  Here’s how:

On Women:

"You gotta hollar at them bitches.  You can’t be pussyfootin’ and shit.  Bitches like a dick with balls."  

On Work:

"Yo, fuck this fruity shit.  I’ll smoke crack up in this bitch if I want to."

On Exercise:

"Man, I ain’t wasting time with that Nordic Track bullshit.  My dick’s too tired from all the fucking I’m doing.  If I want a stair master I’ll just climb up some big titties."

On Academics

"Aca demiz nuts!"  

On Death and Dying

"Fuck it."    

On Life and Living

"Fuck it."

Jamie has a lot to say whenever he comes by so I’m sure I’ll have more knowledge to drop in the future.  Until then, “suck on diz nuts.” 

NETWORK WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

I’ve met a bunch of people around the office lately which is weird because I haven’t tried to network or get ahead in the business. 

My boss, Johann, has invited me to lunch every day this week even after he caught me sleeping at my desk for three hours on Monday.  He thought I wasn’t getting the proper nutrition my body needed so he treated me to a great steak at the bistro and bought me a bunch of power bars to snack on during the day.  This is probably good news for my body since Micah and I have made it a point to only eat pizza and donuts. 

TOTALLY AWESOME TIP: When someone opens up to you, don’t try and help them.  Just zone out and stare at them like their face is a Where’s Waldo novel. 

FUN FILLED ACTIVITY: Practice zoning out on this face.  

Here are some great things to look for:

Blemishes in the skin (1 point)

Underlying depression (2 points)

Gray hairs (1 point)

Overt Self-hatred (4 points)

Loss of hope in the eyes (5 points)

Trauma (10 points)

As you zone out and ignore what the person is saying you’ll find that people are drawn to you.  They don't want you to relate to them.  They want to be able to hear themselves and the less you talk the more that's possible for them.  

EXCELLENT EXAMPLE: Johann told me all this crap about how his life is falling apart and even though I made it clear I didn’t care, he kept talking.  He told me about how his parents’ divorced when he was 35, how he had cancer last week, and is still fighting his alcoholism.  It felt great to hear.  I never realized how fantastic my own life was until I listened to his.  Now he loves me and I love myself.  Win Win!

2 GREAT WAYS TO GET PROMOTED!

Here are some great ways to get promoted at work. 

1)    Stand over your boss desk for long periods of time and babble about how there’s never enough time to get your work done.  He’ll find you endearing and will promote you within days.

2)    If it’s a guy, walk by his office every now and again muttering “women” while shaking your head.  When he calls you into his office and asks you what’s wrong, tell him your girl’s giving you a hard time.  Once he says “I know what you mean” start putting a down payment on a new house because you’re about to get another promotion.  (If your boss is a woman, do the same exact thing.  Women know they’re crazy and like a guy who’s honest.)     

HOW TO HANDLE YOUR BOSS!

Came into work at noon today.  If you haven’t done that yet you should.  It’s great because:

    A) You don’t have to wake up early.

    B) Your boss thinks you’re more important than you really are.

Does this not sound like how your boss thinks?  Here are some tips just in case your boss tries to give you lip:

1) The Angry Boss:  

Problem: Your boss has his panties all in a bunch because you showed up four hours late and didn’t call ahead.  He says, “we lost thousands because you weren’t there to process this regulation blah blah.”  

Problem Solver: Smile.  Don’t even bother with a genuine smile.  Most angry bosses are so angry they can't tell the difference.  Just say, “I understand.  I’ll get right on that.”  Then add, “I like your tie.” Then watch as your boss treats you to a free lunch at the open air bistro down the street. 

2) The Passive Aggressive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss walks by your desk and sees you’re watching Wild Hogs on the Netflix.  “Working hard?” he asks as he raises his right eyebrow in an attempt to get his point across without speaking too much.  

Problem Solver: Just be honest with him.  “This movie blows.  Please, whatever you do, do not waste your time watching this?”  He'll be honored you're looking out for him.  Ready for another free lunch?

3) The Passive Boss: 

Problem: Your boss is too scared to tell you to get back to work.  Some crumble under this kind of pressure.  They feel so bad for their bosses they start working again.  

Problem Solver: Don’t fall for this pressure.  If your boss says, “So I was looking over the reports for last month and I really hate to come off like this...this is really my least favorite part of my job...but do you think…” cut him off and say “Are you kidding me, I’d love to go to lunch with you.”  Then stand him up at lunch.  He’ll realize you're super busy he’ll never approach you about anything again.  

HOW TO STOP CARING AND START NOT CARING!

No one at work gets much done.  Some try hard, but because they’re so passionate they waste time talking about their passion or hyperventilating if something goes wrong.  Consequently they finish as slow as others who don't care. 

If you find you’re working hard in the office with no benefit, try not caring.  Here are some great ways to do that:

1) Undo your beehive haircut.  There won't be so much weight on your head so you can think clearly.  You’ll also be able to wear a hat, which can hide your eyes when you’re sleeping on the job.

  

2) Stop arguing with guys like this.  Not only does he smell (after waving that sign for an hour his pits reeked), but the more you argue the more it validates his existence.  The next time someone tells you gay marriage "just ain't right," smile and return to reading.  You'll lose them in no time.  

3) Stop spending your money on QVC.  The infomercials say it’s a good idea to combine scissors with a coffee machine and lawnmower, but you’d be surprised how unhelpful the Swiss Army Espresso Tractor can be.  You’ll be much happier if you don’t waste your time spending money.  As soon as you stop caring people will want to spend money on you.  The less you give the more they’ll want to buy you.  

     Scenario A) You show up at the bar in sweatpants and a Def Leopard t-shirt.  Someone thinks you’re sexy and buys you drinks.

  

     Scenario B) You show up at the office half naked (lower half) with a copy of Hustler to read.  Your boss thinks it’s his fault and gives you a raise, hoping you'll work harder.  Or he feels bad for you so he gives you a raise to make you less depressed.  Either way it’s win win. 

4) Don’t discuss American Idol.  Keep that information to yourself.  The less you talk about American Idol the more people will think you’re an intellectual and will shower you with praise.  For instance: “Did you see Joan?  She didn’t talk about American Idol today.  Wow, she must’ve started reading.” 

5) Or discuss American Idol.  People will think you’re tapped into the culture of our day and will consider you the main guru.  Get ready to have a lot of friends because that’s what happens when you’re a pop culture guru.   

POP CULTURE FUN FACT: Even famous people aren’t happy.  If famous people aren’t happy, why struggle to be famous?  If Brangelina can’t make a relationship work how could you?  This is as good as it gets.