LOOKING TO LOSE SLEEP? HERE'S HOW!

Depression is all about sleeping, but if you want to sleep all day you have to spend a couple days making yourself insane.  Here’s how:  

Fall asleep with something buried in your conscience.  Make sure it’s driving you crazy before you close your eyes.  This will ensure you wake up in less than an hour panting from a nightmare about a little killer dog (which dances due to 80's animation) who needed a jumpstart for his car battery but because you were only interested in sleeping with Anne Hathaway you ignored the murderous terrier and now it wants you dead.  

Have lights flashing.  Turn on your computer, your phone, your Ipod, any external harddrives you might have.  Set up a disco ball and a strobe light.  Even if you do get sleep you’ll wake up with epilepsy and series of seizures that make it impossible to sleep without shaking mercilessly.  This is also good for those hoping to shave 5 or 10 pounds every night.

Make sure to watch half an episode of your favorite TV drama just before you hit the sack.  It’ll be next to impossible to get a good night’s rest without wondering what’s going to happen to Tony Soprano.  Does he get shot or not?  Force yourself through about three nights before you treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.  This teaches you discipline and also extreme frustration.  

Buy the album, World Painted Blood.  Every time you lie down for a nap, play it loud enough so  each song wakes you up.  This works even better with Lest We Forget: The Best Of, and Hellbilly Deluxe 2.

HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR BLACK OUT!

So apparently I said a lot after I blacked out.  Luckily it was to Jamie.  I assume it was something along the lines of "I love you man" because he said "we cool, but I ain't into that fruit loops taste the rainbow shit."

Looking to black out and make your friends feel weird?  Here are some great phrases to throw out there while drunk:

"Hey sweet cheeks, give me some sugar."  Girls and guys alike often find this phrase funny so make sure to keep a straight poker-face so they know you mean business.

"Damn girl, why don't you back that thang up." Girls might be offended by this, but guys will definitely be offended.  Women will appreciate that you're referring to them as girls because it makes them feel younger.

"I love you."  It's never a moment too soon to tell a complete stranger that you love them.  It might catch people off guard but that's the point of love: to lift you off your feet and make you feel weird.

HELPFUL HINT: Make sure to lift people off their feet when you say "I love you." That way they can feel like you swept them off their feet and it'll make for a better love story later when you're talking to your kids.

Remembering 4/20

4/20, a holiday for people who otherwise would never be organized or motivated enough to set up their own holiday.

Below is a an accurate historical timeline for the creation of 4/20

March 1, 3000 BC - The earth and pot are invented by Zeus

June 2, 2905 BC - that fat God who likes drinking also gets the greeks to smoke them if they have possession of them.

April 20, 2846 BC - All the Gods get really high together, but fail to have the initiative to create a holiday.

April 20, 1946 AD - 4/20 is created as a holiday so potsmokers can keep their buzz going even though it's Hitler's birthday.

That's what Jamie at work told me at least.  Then he insisted we leave work early so we could smoke, but instead of leaving at 4:20 like I thought we would, we just left at 11:20 because he wanted to have a dry mouth lunch in addition to the wet lunch he usually takes.

Johann didn't mind since he was still hung over from the 4/19 party that Jamie threw last night.  4/19 according to Jamie is an even more important holiday than 4/20.  "It's like Kol Nidre is to Yom Kippur and shit or Christmas Eve is to Christmas, bitch!"  I wasn't about to argue even though it sounded wrong on several levels.

After the second mind eraser I was agreeing with most of what Jamie had to say anyway.  Plus, that girl Nicole was there too so it was a good holiday had by all.  I blacked out before I got to talk to her and after that the night was pretty uneventful.

WANT TO GET DEGRADED? READ THIS IMMEDIATELY!

Had a pizza party today at work because the bank annuity department raised our quarterly earnings this year (I don't know what that means either).   It's pretty cool to know that even at age 28 people will still treat you like a 6th grade soccer player.

I asked Johann if he could just give us a raise.  He said if I wanted I could take home some extra pepperoni slices.  Fortunately, I did want to do that.

Rent is due tomorrow and I asked my landlord if I could pay in pepperoni slices.  I wasn't surprised when he said yes.  He and I both know it's really good pepperoni.

Here are some Two great WAYS TO GET DEMEANED, DEGRADED, OR EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY DESTROYED:

1.) Work on your posture - The best way to walk is with your head hung low.  This will offer almost no protection against those looking to heckle, trip, or have their dog shit on you.  With your head hung low you will be much more likely to walk into a wall, a moving bus, or a guy who wants to beat the crap out of you.

2.) Apologize for everything - Once people catch on to the fact that you feel guilty they'll readily ask you to perform tasks as a means of repentance.  Step 2: Kick the self-degradation process into high gear.  Start with something simple like "I'm sorry for getting in your way" and once you feel comfortable, slowly progress toward more pathetic statements like "I'm sorry for my existence" and "I completely understand why you'd hate me."

SOME MYTH-BUSTING ABOUT THERAPY

Johann called to see how I was enjoying my vacation.  I told him it was depressing, which seemed to give him the wrong idea.  He suggested Micah and I try therapy.  As we all know this is crazy talk?

FALSE: Therapy rules!

MYTH BUSTER: Therapy is a dirty word if your goal is self-deprovement.  There is no better way to feel good about yourself than by realizing you have to pay someone to listen to you. 

SIDE EFFECTS OF THERAPY: WHAT THEY DON'T TELL YOU

After two weeks, $250, and a letter from your health insurance company telling you they don’t cover psychiatric, your self-esteem will be walking on the moon.  

You’ll be so productive you’ll never see your bed again and your face will hurt from all the smiling you’ll be doing.  

Your shoulders and back won’t be so jacked from carrying around the weight of the world 

Your soul won’t have its cool, sleek, blackness you’ve come to enjoy.  

If you want to go outside and see the beauty in things then by all means, ruin a good thing and go to therapy. Why not do yoga and take anti-depressants you fool. 

When you find a healthy soul means you have to get up before 6pm on Sunday for brunch with what are known as "friends" you’ll be kicking yourself until you have to go to an asylum where they give you more therapy.  

WANT TO STAY DEPRESSED? HERE'S HOW!

I never realized how difficult it is to stay depressed until now.  You really have to put forth some effort.  But believe me, it’s worth it. 

Here’s something you can do to keep your head on the pillow and your eyes far from any prize.

Find triggers guaranteed to leave you depressed

Reaching a level-headed emotional state?  Want to be depressed again so you can eat whatever you want and sleep whenever and wherever you want?  Find an emotional trigger that’ll set you off? 

A emotional trigger could be as simple as someone leaving their alarm clock on in the apartment next to yours.  The trick is to not put anything in perspective.  Rather than say “oh, they must be waking up” tell yourself that your walls are thin because you can’t afford anything better since you haven’t had a job in a year and a half and are a complete failure in life.  You’ll be back to the bed in no time.  If you’re a real pro you’ll continue to search out triggers while in bed.

FUN TIME ACTIVITY: Now it’s your turn.  

1) Pick a word or thing to have a mental breakdown about.  It could be anything from your faulty lamp to your uncle. 

2) Jump to conclusions without thinking about what you’re saying and let your world turn upside down.  

3) Try this with several things until there is no way you can have a positive perspective on life.  The trick is to see open your eyes and immediately think, “I’m a failure!”  It’s like an every day inkblot test except you’re not in therapy, because as Jamie explains, "that therapy shit's for fags." 

 

AWESOME WARNING: Some have used gun triggers, but gun triggers don’t give you the opportunity to enjoy more dominos pizza or youporn.  Before finding a gun trigger you need to make sure you’re the lead singer of a successful Seattle grunge band or the author of The Old Man and the Sea (this does not mean writing two pages in your journal and calling it Old Man and the Sea).  

Before then just concentrate on honing your depression.  Don’t end a good thing.  You have a talent my friend.  No need to waste it.  

Good Times

Micah’s been really depressed lately which has been great.  It’s given us both a chance to sleep more, eat a bunch of donuts, watch porn all day, and never clean up.  If you haven’t been depressed before you should really try it. 

Johann said I could call in sick all next week because that’s what he’s planning on doing.  I’m really looking forward to getting nothing accomplished. 


How are you planning to spend the next week?  Are you going to try to get things accomplished or are you going to do things the way God intended?